2016-11-20

realize new truths

Every day is a challenge. Do I drag myself out of bed? Do I wear jeans or khakis? Do I follow the rules of the road as I drive to work, or do I speed a little (or a lot)? The entire day, every day, is made up of a ton of little choices that add up to an amazing amount of opportunity either realized or lost. What does it mean when I choose to have a hamburger instead of a salad for lunch? Probably not all that much, but it's likely a decent indication that I'm not a vegetarian.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to make the right choices. Choose the right wife. Choose the right job. Find the right church. Say the right thing. You get the picture. But maybe what I've forgotten to consider is what is right for me.

Woah. Did I just say that? Did I just say that I needed to think about what is right for me as if it could be different than what is the global, singular right? I think I did.

I'm not suggesting that my choices made thus far have been wrong holistically, but perhaps that I have been viewing them as something for everyone, rather than as something for me. I like to please people. I want them to be happy with me, to like me. I have gone out of my way to try and ingratiate myself to people in all of the walks of my life, and I feel that although I'm generally accepted, I'm not always well liked. It's because I'm awkward, or at least that is what I tell myself.

Lately I have spent a lot of time considering what happiness should be. I don't have an answer yet, but I know that I need to learn how to divorce the idea of my happiness coming from making other people happy. I'll probably step on a few toes, but maybe I'll like myself more. Maybe I'll find more confidence in my own skin.

Now just to actually start doing it.

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